There I’ve said it. Not an easy admission but something I’m sure you will know if you are able to read. Fact is that sometimes I’m just too tired, grumpy, frazzled, busy to take the time I know I should to stop and listen, or talk to you properly. I know that it’s unfair and that you act out more when you sense this in me, turning it into a vicious cycle.
Yesterday was one of these occasions. After school we set off to the home affairs department to apply for your first ever passport for our trip to Mauritius. Dad and I prepared ourselves for the trip with all the documents and research into best time to go. Knowing that there would be a wait we packed snacks and things to occupy you. You however, got bored and frustrated, were acting up, hanging onto me and just generally being a four year old. I was tired and irritated – I don’t do well with beauracracy. So we took it out on each other with Dad being mediator which wasn’t great.
As you know I am a working Mom like millions of others out there. My job however, is not one that stops after office hours. In the communications industry, which I am a part of, there is no such thing as office hours for crises or news stories. I am ‘always on the grid’ so much so that your Dad calls me ‘robot girl’.
This need to be constantly connected does impact our time together and for that I am truly sorry. I also have to travel every now and then for business which you don’t like. You asked me the other day why I go on ‘work holidays’ without you. As much as I tried to explain it wasn’t a holiday but a work trip for meetings you refused to accept it and remained grumpy with me for a while.
It is tough to juggle the demands of both home and work and I feel constantly guilty as, as much as the word balance is bandied out, working Moms know there is no such thing. Trying to keep all the balls in the air is hard and sometimes I end up dropping a few.
As we move forward on this exciting journey together, I know there are going to be many more times that you are going to tell me ‘you’re not my friend Mommy’ which even though I say to you doesn’t matter, it does. There are also going to be loads more occasions where I’m going to have a little cry to myself regretting my actions, questioning my motherhood skills and generally feeling sorry for myself.
But I am making you a promise today, going forward I am going to take a leaf out of the Mr Jelly book. Whenever I feel myself getting cross with you I am going to take take a deep breath and go ‘onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineten’. I am also going to give you a solid hour every day that is just Mom and Oliver time, no phones, iPads or laptops around.
As for you well, when you see that Moms a little down just give me one of your super full body hugs and a little snuggle time because that is the magic that makes everything better.